WHO ARE YOU REALLY? EXERCISE YOUR PERSONAL AND ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

 Dear Readers and Friends,

Today we continue with another article on Emotional Psychology, combining different perspectives and authors from different fields into a set of suggestions and improvements for our psychophysical and emotional well-being.

Before we can manage our emotions, it's essential to understand them. Emotions evolved as adaptive mechanisms that helped our ancestors survive. They aren't simple reactions, but rapid and effective action programs designed by evolution.

Each person is solely responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviors.

 ASSERTIVE RIGHTS 

You have the right to say no without feeling guilty. 

Assertiveness is the ability to communicate our needs and emotions clearly, directly, and respectfully. It allows us to defend our rights without falling into passivity or aggression, seeking balanced relationships .  Its purpose is not to make us feel superior, but to remind us that we are all on the same level, establishing relationships of equality.

 

The Principal Assertive Rights (Manuel J. Smith and others)

• Being your own judge:  The right to evaluate your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and take responsibility for them.
• Saying "no" without guilt:  The ability to refuse requests without feeling guilty or having to give elaborate apologies.
• No justification:  The right not to give reasons for one's behavior.
• Changing your mind or opinion:  The right to change your position.
• To err:  The right to make mistakes and accept the consequences.
• Saying "I don't know" or "I don't understand":  Acknowledging your limitations without shame.
• Making Illogical Decisions:  The right to act without relying solely on logic.
• Not being responsible for others:  Choosing whether to take on other people's problems.
• Independence from Benevolence:  Not depending on the approval of others to act.
• Expressing emotions and opinions:  Stating your point of view authentically. 

The foundation of the ten rights is based on honesty with ourselves, on understanding the desires and needs of others (“I understand that you need help…”) but also on recognizing our own wishes and having the courage to express them (“…but unfortunately I can't help you today.”), always expressing ourselves with respect for others, politely, with sensitivity, but without giving in to attempts (conscious or otherwise) at manipulation.

Assertive rights can help us regulate interpersonal relationships, following criteria of justice, restore equality between people, reminding us that they are as important to us as they are to others, and finally guide us in being able to say NO.

  

1) Be our own judges

“We alone have the right to judge our behavior, our thoughts and emotions, our actions and to take responsibility for them by accepting the consequences .”

Smith disclaims all rights from this first right, which is crucial because it is the general principle for understanding how to manage our emotions when we interact with others.  No one is inside our heads, so no one can know the true reason for our choices; they are up to us. Imagine a situation in which a white lie is told. Who knows if it was told with a white lie? Only the person who told it can see it; externally, only the lie could be seen.

2) We are not obliged to justify ourselves

“You have the right not to justify your behavior by giving reasons or excuses.”

Who's inside our heads? Who knows our history? How complex is it to explain all this? Sometimes, even we don't fully understand the entire decision-making process; technically, we're not fully aware of it all. Thanks to these considerations, we can exercise the right not to justify our behavior, especially if the request isn't directed at greater understanding. Questions about explanations are easily driven by the desire to put us in the dock, but if that's the goal, it's crucial to remember that we're not before a judge and therefore aren't obligated to defend ourselves.

3) We choose who we are responsible for

“You have the right to decide whether to take care of other people's problems, whether to be responsible for others.”

It's part of everyone's experience to empathize with others, especially if they're important to us, like a partner, child, or parent. However, this can tempt the other person to try to trap us. The examples are endless; one might be: "It would be wonderful if you kissed me every night." An assertive response to this statement might be: "Do you really think this is the only wonderful thing about evenings? If we can't find other ways to respond to this request, perhaps we should consider the possibility that evenings won't be wonderful."

4) We are free to change our minds

Smith (1975) writes: “we change our minds; we decide the best way to do things; we also change the things we have done; our interests change with conditions and the passage of time.”

Today we'll discuss how much of psychology's work is to make the mind flexible. What better indicator of this than changing our minds? And we're talking about changing our approach to responding to all those people who try to manipulate us by demanding that we always think or do things the same way. Requests to be rigid have nothing to do with personal growth.

5) It is normal to make mistakes and it is the path to learning.

“You have the right to make mistakes and take responsibility for them.”

We often have a history in which our mistakes have been used to criticize us and tell us we were wrong, but this isn't the reality. Knowledge comes through mistakes; think of all the times science has discovered something when the hypotheses were wrong.

Jim Morrison reminds us that a hero isn't someone who doesn't fall, but someone who, once fallen, finds the courage to get up again. Let's say that learning to get up when we stumble is a great exercise, and the fact that we fall only tells us we're human. The speed with which we get back up will tell us how much we've trained to achieve what's important to us.

When someone, even our partner, tries to control our behavior by telling us it's wrong, we must first ask ourselves what is wrong. Remembering that we are not the ones who are wrong, we can ask ourselves if there are other, more effective ways of acting. An example might be a friend who comes home, setting down his wet umbrella in the doorway, and is told, "You see that puddle of water you made; now the parquet floor will explode."  An assertive response might be, "I see the puddle; if the parquet floor explodes, I'll have it repaired."

6) I know that I don't know!

“You have the right to say ‘I don't know'”

We often avoid saying we don't know, escaping the sense of ignorance that builds within us. In this way, we forget one of the most famous quotes about knowledge handed down by philosophy: Socrates, in 400 BC, claimed he didn't know. Once again, I like to point out how science begins with hypotheses (not knowledge) to discover reality and share it. Many people try to leverage our sense of ignorance to discredit us. Typical examples in the workplace include assuming the role of the professional and associating skills with it. An example might be: "You're a psychologist, how can you not know the 10 assertive rights?!"

To be a psychologist, like a lawyer, a doctor, or an engineer, you don't need to know every detail; that's unrealistic.

 

7) You are independent from the needs of others

“You have the right not to be influenced by the kindness others show you when they ask you for something.”

It's easy to meet people who beg us to do something. Examples include children who ask us to give them one more minute to play. It's easy to find examples with teenagers who beg and beg. It's helpful to remember that our actions should reflect our values ​​and expectations, our dreams, not make others happy. Above all, among these values, let's remember that we are important, not secondary.

8) We can be disconnected

“You have the right to make illogical decisions”

We humans love logic; it's considered an internal reward we give ourselves whenever we find a common thread in our experiences. But this is a huge trap if we try to piece together things that aren't naturally so connected. Chief among these are our emotions. Imagine what we can't do when we fall in love! Certain situations are complicated to control. Logic only works when we review the past or plan for the future, but let's remember that logic doesn't always use all the pieces to complete the puzzle and can reach incorrect conclusions.

9) It's great to understand each other

“You have the right to understand what is being communicated, and therefore to say, ‘I don’t understand.’

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking we're unintelligent, but that's not much use when it comes to communicating with others, where repeating things over and over again is essential to understanding each other.

Imagine being in a class and while the most important thing, the thing you're there for, is being explained, you don't understand it. And at that very moment, someone asks if anyone else hasn't understood. That's the moment when you can choose whether to grow by raising your hand (certainly with a bit of embarrassment), or to forgo your intellectual growth by pretending nothing is happening.

10) We choose what is important to us

You have the right to say “I don't care”

Smith insists that we are our own ultimate judges, not others (the first assertive right). If I like playing basketball instead of tennis, I can choose the former over the latter. I can do this even when all my colleagues in my office play tennis, so when there's a match on, I can say, "I'm not interested."

Other examples might be family lunches where you might argue about the correct way to grill meat. But we're fine with any cooking method, and we don't mind sticking a thermometer into the steak, even when asked to choose sides.

Practicing assertiveness involves identifying which rights we feel are ours and which we struggle to exercise. Reflecting on this helps us gain inner confidence and establish more equal and healthy relationships.

Assertive behavior is predicated on recognizing one 's own rights and those of the other person in a personal interaction .  Assertive rights are a set of generic guidelines widely used in training . Recognizing assertive rights is also useful in the private sphere to guide both passive and aggressive personalities toward balanced behavior . Assertive rights transcend cultural aspects and are , in fact , part of the individual 's absolute rights .​ ​​​​​​  

 

TO RECAP WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT VERSION:

• The right to always be treated with respect and dignity
• The right to have and express a personal opinion that does not necessarily coincide with that of others.
• The right to be heard and taken seriously when expressing your views and opinions . ​​​​​
• The right to ask for what one deems appropriate while respecting the mutual right to refuse
• The right to say no without feeling personally guilty​​​
• The right to experience feelings and to express them assertively​​​
• The right to make mistakes
• The right to change your opinion and way of thinking
• The right to not always meet other people 's expectations
• The right to say “I don't understand”
• The right to express one 's disinterest in the initiatives of others
• The right to decide on one's responsibility to solve other people's problems
• The right to decide what to do with everything that is one's own exclusive responsibility and that does not infringe the rights of others
• The right to pursue and achieve one 's goals and success by surpassing others​​​
• The right to ask for clarification and be informed

“We alone have the right to judge our behavior, our thoughts and emotions, our actions and to take responsibility for them by accepting the consequences.”

 Practicing assertiveness involves identifying which rights we feel are ours and which we struggle to exercise. Reflecting on this helps us gain inner confidence and establish more equal and healthy relationships. 

Jim Morrison reminds us that a hero isn't someone who doesn't fall, but someone who, once fallen, finds the courage to get up again. Let's say that learning to get up when we stumble is a great exercise, and the fact that we fall only tells us we're human. The speed with which we get back up will tell us how much we've trained to achieve what's important to us.

EXERCISE TO WORK ON ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

Once we've identified the assertive rights we struggle to exercise, the first step is to choose just one to work on, such as the right to say "no" without guilt. This avoids emotional overload. Next, it's important to create a progressive plan, starting with low-risk situations. Repeated practice in safe settings builds our confidence to tackle more challenging situations. Ultimately, this process requires consistent practice and self-assessment. Consolidating one right before moving on to the next allows us to gradually incorporate all the assertive rights, improving our communication and self-esteem.