Dear readers and friends. Articolo originale
Today I present to you another very interesting life coaching article: THE SEVEN PILLARS FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS. Like all the works I have published, this one also requires sincere introspection. And once again I ask you not to substitute an expert for this article, if you need help there are the structures and personnel suitable for this purpose, contact them.
THE PRINCIPLES OF THE RELATIONSHIP
The amount of trust in a relationship determines how capable we are of influencing people. Trust is not a constant value once it has been established: every interaction we have within an established or new relationship changes our level of trust to some extent, positively or negatively. We can trust the person we are married to, but one day they may say something that breaks our trust, the next time they may do something that surpasses it. The same goes for every relationship we have, whether familial, parental, platonic, or romantic.
THE TRUST EQUATION IS :
CAN I TRUST YOU? = ARE YOU CREDIBLE? + ARE YOU RELIABLE? + LEVEL OF INTIMACY
SELF-ORIENTATION
Let's analyze this equation. Credibility is about competence.
Should a person be able to do what he claims to be able to do?
How can people determine your credibility?
It's about separating the speaker from the doer.
Certification is a symbol of learning but not experience. Reliability means being able to consistently deliver on what you promise to deliver, whether professional, personal, or metaphorical.
Intimacy is all about boundaries: How much do I trust you to share myself with you?
Borders don't always have to be defense mechanisms. Boundaries tell other people how they should treat you and what is and isn't acceptable to discuss. Boundaries aren't about keeping other people out, they're about keeping us in. When we know that someone is more for you than against you and is more committed to understanding you than judging you, it becomes easier to open up to them. This is why we must prioritize building trust in our relationships and self-evaluate it whenever a person seems closed off to us.
Human relationships can be one of the most valuable, meaningful and satisfying human experiences. Yet we often hurt them.
Where are we going wrong and what can we do to create strong relational connections?
It seems so simple: boy meets girl, they fall in love. They may have to overcome barriers like disapproving parents or nefarious romantic rivals, but when they finally reunite everything is complete and they live happily ever after. Or not. This is the part of the story that movies usually leave out. It's too complicated, too messy, but it's also the real challenge.
Falling in love is the easy part, we've pretty much all done it. Staying in love is a challenge. The first can be done by children without required maturity, the second is rarely accomplished by maturity; it requires people willing to build a relationship and acquired wisdom.
Successful, mindful relationships require wisdom. In the Buddhist tradition that gave us the practice of awareness, wisdom is a process of understanding that passes through the transformation of learning into lived experience. This is represented in our “right understanding” and “correct thinking” . Applied to our significant relationships, this means that we are on a quest to understand ourselves and our partner and to train our minds to think appropriately in the context of that relationship. Mindfulness is a practice that allows us to clearly see how we think and how we behave within our relationships.
A relationship is an effort undertaken by two people, and as such represents for most of us: our best efforts to overcome the barriers that exist between people.
The success of our efforts will depend on both parties' commitment to the journey, to love, to the search for wisdom, understanding and unconditional acceptance.
If building a relationship is a search for wisdom and commitment to the values and principles that support it, it is also the perfect example of the expression of love (all the various types of love, whether fraternal, paternal, maternal, relational etc.).
THE SEVEN PILLARS FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
- THE PILLAR OF LOVE
- THE PILLAR OF HONOR
- THE PILLAR OF SELF-CONTROL
- THE PILLAR OF RESPONSIBILITY
- THE PILLAR OF TRUTH
- THE PILLAR OF FAITH
- THE PILLAR OF VISION
1) THE PILLAR OF LOVE
We understand that love is the foundation of every relationship. We all have an experience of love where we feel we would do anything for that other person. This is just the beginning.
The first type of love identified by Buddha is "Metta", variously described as " loving-kindness" or "a true friend in need". It is a generous love that does not seek reward, a responsible love, a love that nourishes those who give and those who receive. Too often couples have an approach in relationships: "I do this for you, so what do I get in return?" This is a conditional gift and, therefore, not really love since love needs no reward. The second type of love is "Karuna" or compassion. This expresses a kind of empathy and understanding. When our loved one suffers, we are able to understand that suffering without judgment. We support without trying to “fix.” Even in an intimate relationship, it is not up to us to disempower our loved one by trying to fix them - this is their right to fulfill themselves - but by empathizing, listening and supporting, we enable our loved ones to overcome barriers in their lives.
2) THE PILLAR OF HONOR
“The best way to live honorably in this world is to be what we claim to be.” - Socrates
To be honorable in relationships, we must be authentic. We must be who we claim to be.
It's a different concept to respect, which is something we develop over time by observing or receiving the value that someone else has to offer. Honoring means considering how your thoughts, actions, and speech will impact the person with whom you have a significant relationship. By consciously evaluating our thoughts, actions and words, we avoid causing pain and suffering and prioritize this over the desires of our ego.
The immature person with no sense of honor may tell their partner what they think they want to hear while secretly thinking and believing something to the contrary. This is one way to lie.
If we honor our partner, we are congruent, so we do not deceive or use the truth as a weapon. Sometimes the truth must be treated with sensitivity and communicated with delicacy and love: this is honorable.
3) THE PILLAR OF SELF-CONTROL
To be loving in a relationship we must learn self-control.
Practicing self-control means becoming the master of our mind and emotions. Lack of self-control is being their puppet. If we react to every feeling and emotion out of control, we can hurt those we love. Through mindfulness, we learn to slow down and put emotions and feelings into perspective. Through mindful awareness, we learn self-control, the ability to maturely reflect on our thoughts and therefore our actions. We take responsibility and show strength and reliability. This, in turn, builds trust and allows a loving relationship to flourish.
4) THE PILLAR OF RESPONSIBILITY
What we think influences our actions, and how we act has repercussions in the world and in our personal relationships.
If we act without thinking or react to situations, then we are liable to cause harmful effects. By learning to take responsibility, we can act maturely and can respond rather than react.
Conscious self-reflection is a path to accountability . When we take responsibility for our thoughts, we take responsibility for our actions and relationships .
“Young love” can be full of reckless reactions because we react to perceived rejection or judgment. As we mature and take responsibility, we move beyond such reactions, we can see cause and effect more clearly and respond wisely. This character will serve us well when relationships become "difficult" or we experience difficult times. Our ability to appreciate the bigger picture will enable us to overcome difficult times and enjoy the fruits of responsible commitment.
5) THE PILLAR OF TRUTH
“I'm not angry that you lied to me, I'm angry that from now on I can't believe you anymore.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
Unless we are dedicated to the truth, we allow our relationships to be based on uncertainty. It should be obvious that lying to a loved one means telling them that we are not to be trusted, which will have an inevitable negative consequence for the relationship.
Maturity helps us face the truth . Through the application of conscious self-reflection, we learn to know the difference between beliefs, feelings, opinions, and truth.
If you currently feel that your partner has wronged you, the mature person will consider the bigger picture; maybe their partner is hurting for some reason and they are "in pain" because they really need you . The mature person recognizes this and responds with compassion. The immature react in defense of their fragile self. Those who are not yet mature will use deception to cover their immaturity; they fear the truth because it can be frightening or burdensome. Mature people have no need for deception: they can be truthful and authentic without being offensive or emotionless. The truth can be difficult, but treated with sensitivity creates real trust.
6) THE PILLAR OF FAITH
“Play everything for love, if you are a real human being. If not, leave this meeting. Shyness does not reach majesty. ― Rumi
A loving relationship is an act of faith. If we can't commit to faith, we can't have a truly fulfilling relationship. Faith comes from the commitment, love and work that two people put into that relationship. If they are devoted to the other pillars, then faith can take root. If you truly trust someone, put all your trust in them. This is why the end of relationships can be like experiencing death because faith has been betrayed, a "given" in life has suddenly been removed. It's a truly devastating experience. Likewise, faith maintained can be a truly fulfilling experience. It is the most singular and vital bet in life.
Many are never willing to make that bet and therefore cannot show faith. They cannot be truly honest or authentic and can never have a truly fulfilling relationship; they are ruled by fear and believe that not having real connection is better than risking pain. Yet, truly living means being mature and accepting the potential of pain. To demonstrate faith is to believe in a transcendent quality of life more meaningful than the individual.
7) THE PILLAR OF VISION
Vision allows you to move forward . Having a vision is also an act of sacrifice, because we must sacrifice other choices in life in pursuit of a vision. When two people come together, they share their vision. They learn about each other's passions, their true selves and their calling, maybe even help each other discover these things. And so there is mutual self-sacrifice as two people move forward together toward a shared vision. Having this shared vision encourages mutual accountability. With maturity, we take responsibility for our daily actions and how they contribute to a shared vision. The immature will hide from sight, pursue sensation or immediate gratification. The mature will sacrifice knowing that fulfillment comes through sacrifice in pursuit of an authentic vision.
If you wish to develop relationships of deep quality and fulfillment and bring greater richness to your life and the lives of others, consciously pursue establishing these seven pillars in your life with those you love.
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